Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Last Weekend...A Marriage Proposal

So this past weekend was ok. I did something completely out of character for me that I've never done before:

I went and hung out at a bar.

Allene was going to meet with a friend she hadn't seen in many, many years and I went along as a designated driver. Scott thought it would be funny if I took my wedding ring off and flirted with boys.

I took my ring off and later regretted it.

But that's getting ahead of the story.

So Allene and I got ready. I even put makeup, jewelry, and a nice shirt on. I wore LIPSTICK. It's been years since I've worn lipstick. Don't believe me? Check this out:
Yes, no tee-shirt and jeans for me!

Anyway, we got all hottie-fied and went to Maverik (we have a problem, maybe some day I'll tell you about how addicted to Maverik we are) and got some drinks. On our way out this guy totally hit on us and asked us why we were dressed up and asked to come with us. He was cute. too!

So we drove up to Ogden. The bar is called Teazers...sounds like a strip club, don't you think? Well it wasn't.

We walked around the bar, checking out what was where and seeing what was going on. Apparently 9:30 is early for these people...boy do I feel like a grandma sometimes. So there wasn't a whole lot going on, so we went to look for Allene's friend. He was scheduled to bartend the outside bar on the patio, so we spent most of our night out there. They were talking about old friends and memories and having a really good time, and I was feeling a little awkward because I had never been to a bar before and I didn't know anyone there except Allene and all the other girls were skinnier and hotter than I was.

Every Friday night this bar has an amateur pole-dancing competition. Okay, fine, whatever. We were bored so we decided to go watch. Nobody was any good except the girl who won. Most of the entrants were really old or fat women who were very very VERY drunk (because if you aren't drunk, chances are you aren't going to pole dance in front of total strangers...unless it's your job, of course...) so it was kinda amusing. When it was over we headed back outside to talk to Allene's friend again.

So at this point we've been there for a few hours and people around us are starting to get pretty tipsy. So here I am, at a bar for the first time ever, and what do you know, a bar fight breaks out! Out on the patio there were several pavilions (you know, the portable kind that aren't tethered down or anything) and while these guys were brawling they knocked one of them over, and fortunately the people inside it had seen them coming and gotten out before it tipped over. It was amusing how fast security was on those guys, and they were both escorted in opposite directions, one of them outside the patio fence, and he kept trying to come back in and was swearing and slurring and flipping everyone off...really immature, but funny.

Things calmed down and we were back to the talking and this random guy came up to me and Allene and offered to buy us shots. I said no because I was driving and he was too drunk to understand and tried to buy me one anyway, and when I said no again he got a confused look on his face and said "Oh, you don't drink?" and I tried again to explain to him that I don't drink if I'm going to drive, and then after the third explanation he got the message. So Allene drank the shot and thanked him, and then he walked over to me and started talking to me. He was drunk AND soft-spoken so I couldn't hear a word he was saying over the loud music (by the way the DJ was really really annoying). So I just smiled and nodded and pretended I heard him and then he asked me to dance. I said no, I don't dance well, and he grabbed my arm and hauled me off to the dance floor. I was like, ok, well, this is weird...then he started dancing. It was a sort of drunk, rocking back and forth, off the rhythm weird monkey dance he was doing, and I was just sort of playing along because frankly at this point I was amused at how drunk people act.

After a minute I thanked him for the dance and walked back to where Allene was and started talking to her again, trying to get this guy to leave. He got the message (or maybe something shiny flew by and his attention wandered, I don't really know) and left and I was a little relieved because this guy was a little strange. Probably because he was drunk.

So this whole time Allene is drinking rum and coke and she has had like five and also two shots and she's feeling really relaxed and happy and she was getting a little goofy. That was also entertaining.

Apparently if you have seven drinks you will need to use the facilities more often than usual. It was on one of her trips, the one during which I decided to just stay and wait for her instead of coming with her, that the guy came back and ambushed me. He started talking to me...

Him: "My name is Michael."

Me: "Nice to meet you, Michael."

Him: "You have really nice teeth."

Me: "Um, thank you..."

Him: "Can I have your number?"

Me: "Actually, I'm married."

Him: "Then where's your ring?" (This is where I regretted taking off my ring. It was all in good fun but yeah.)

Me: "Oh, it off to the cleaner's."

Him: "It's at the cleaner's?"

Me: "Yes."

Him: "Haha, so is my drink!" *stumbles a little and giggles drunkenly*

At this point Allene came back. The guy went over to her and had a little conversation (I found out later that he was asking her if I was really married and saying he didn't believe me and telling her I was really pretty and it goes on and on...drunk people talk a lot. Anyway, she convinced him that I was, in fact, married).

Then he came back over to me.

Him: "You're kinda shy."

Me: "Sometimes. I just don't know anyone, and I've never been to a bar before, so this is a little weird for me."

Him: "If you're so shy how did you get a husband?"

Me: "I met him on the internet."

Him: "Oh, so you're married?"

Me: "Yes..." (um, DUDE, we've been over this already)

Him: "Hm...will you marry me?"

Me: "Um, I'm already married."

Him: "Oh. Ok."

And he walked off.

Okay. Amusing. Apparently I'm getting married to this weird drunk guy who dances like a monkey on acid.

Later on, just a few minutes before we decided to come home, the guy CAME BACK. He said he was about to leave with his friends and he wanted to come say goodbye to the lovely ladies, and then he kept hugging us (that's the other thing, drunk people like hugs) and saying goodbye, then hugging us again...and again...finally he went away! Permanently! Although we did see him on the way out and kinda ducked to avoid him...

Anyway, while all this was going on the owner or manager or something of the bar came over and started talking to Allene. Allene was smoking, and the manager was asking her if she smoked. Um, yes, obviously. Then she asked me if I smoked, and I said no, and she looked at me like I was so uncool and put her hand in my face and turned back to Allene. Then, she started to lecture Allene on how bad smoking is for you and telling her she should quit. So apparently, I'm not cool but smoking can kill you. Whatever. Then she started giving us hugs as well.

Anyway. This was an interesting trip for me.

The ironic thing? I didn't drink a thing, and Allene had like seven drinks, and in the morning, I was the one with the headache.

How does that work?

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