Me: Down. Feeling fat and ugly. Want to eat everything.
Mim: You look so good. Try to figure out what's really bothering you.
I've been working really hard on separating eating from emotion. My entire life I've eaten when I was sad, bored, angry, happy; you name it, I ate for it. It doesn't help that every event seems to involve food. It also doesn't help when you have lots of beautiful, slender friends who can seemingly eat anything (and in any quantity) without gaining an ounce.
For reasons I won't go into here, the coping mechanism I developed during my childhood was eating. Eating, for me, filled a hole: an emotional hole.
As I've been taking charge of my mental health (both chemically and psychologically) I went through many steps in which I recognized, understood, accepted, and began to combat this need to eat unnecessarily. Let me tell you: it hasn't been easy. And it's not over yet.
I am getting to the point, however, that (most of the time...) I am able to think about what I eat and why I am eating it. I'm making better choices about what I eat and I am learning to eat until I am not hungry anymore, NOT until I am stuffed full.
But sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to just eat. Eat. EAT. And most of the time I stop, assess that urge, and try to figure out what emotion I'm experiencing and the reason for that emotion. But occasionally, like one time a few weeks ago, I can't fight it, and I end up eating all the creme off of the cookies in a whole box of Oreos (yes, just the creme, I'm a freak), and then I sit around feeling stupid and angry at myself for failing to resist the urge. But the frequency of these "binges" is getting lower and lower, so at least there's progress, right?
I'm actually proud of how far I've come. The other day my coworker filled the candy bowl in her office again with mini Butterfingers (my favorite) and I only ate one. Moments like that make me feel like I'm not a total failure and I can do this!
Now, all that being said, yesterday I ate Sour Skittles and a Milky Way Simply Caramel bar (heaven)...