Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Why Is Life So Complicated?

So yesterday I mentioned that I had been crying the day before. Yay. I feel like I want to talk about why, and who better to talk to about personal issues than the internet?

So when I was younger I kept a diary off and on, but for the longest time I didn't because Kwiddens used to read my diary and tease me about the boys I wrote about liking. James Bacon, 5th grade. Yes, his name was Bacon. THANKS, KWIDDENS (Just kidding. I love you more than puppies, and yarn, and ice cream!). Anyway, I stopped writing for a long time.

But Kwiddens didn't. She wrote down a lot of the things we went through when we were younger.

On occasion, here on this little blog, I've mentioned a rotten childhood. Many, many factors went into this, but one of them was having a mother who was bipolar, but didn't know she was, and so wasn't taking medication for it.

I feel it's important to explain something: I DO NOT BLAME MIM FOR ANY OF THIS. She knew there was a problem. She went to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, and tried SO MANY medicines, and nobody saw that beneath the depression and anxiety there was bipolar disorder, which was the biggest problem of all. Mim did everything she could to try to make it better, but what was she supposed to do when none of her doctors could figure it out? In fact, if I want to blame anyone, I could blame Jason, because, as a psychiatrist, HE SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT. Maybe he didn't because he never came home, or because he spent all his time giving us all the silent treatment. I don't know. But I really think he should have figured it out.

But here's the truth: she would totally lose it. And I'd have to deal with the consequences. I feel jealous that Em and Jorg didn't have it as badly as Kwiddens and I did (there's a five year age difference between Kwiddens and Em), because when I sensed her mood swings coming on, I was able to get Em and Jorg out of the house, thereby shielding them a bit from the worst of it.

I don't want to go into specifics about things she did to us (not yet, anyway...maybe some other time), but Kwiddens wrote a lot of it down in her diary.

When Mim's new psychiatrist realized what was going on, he put her on Lamictal, which led to me getting on it, and it changed both of our lives for the better. For the best, really...

Part of the healing process has been not only medical, but emotional. There was a point when I never wanted to talk to or see Mim ever again. I was hurt that badly. But these past four years in particular, we've bonded over so many things, and while we did, we've talked over a lot of things.

She knows that sometimes I get angry because of the things I've been through, and sometimes I'm angry at her, but I still don't blame her. When I remember something that happened, I tell her about it, not to make her feel guilty, but because she honestly doesn't remember the things that happened, and she wants to be aware of what happened. It's the same with Kwiddens. And through this process, we've all made progress in leaps and bounds. We're all still quite broken, but we're getting there.

Anyway, so the day before yesterday Mim was at Kwiddens's house, and they were looking through some of Kwiddens's old diaries. After she left, Mim called me and of course, she was crying, and she apologized again for the way things were. She told me that she would be proud of me even if I'd come from a perfect family and home life, but with the way things were, she was just extraordinarily proud of how far I've come. She reiterated how much she loved Scott and how happy she was that I have him. I told her again that I knew it wasn't her fault and that I love her so much. The whole thing made me cry.

And then, when I was snappy with Scott, I was crying because sometimes I'm terrified that my mood swings will get out of control and I'll ruin this amazing thing Scott and I have.

Terrified.

5 comments:

Utah L said...

My Mom had to go through this in the early 1960's.

Treatment at the Mayo Clinic was Shock Therapy !

Thankgoodness medical science has come a long way since then.

Anna W said...

No kidding! I think if I had to do electroshock I'd say, "Thanks, I'd rather be nuts!"

magnoliathoughts.com said...

oh, hon.

my mother was wildly misdiagnosed in the same kind of way - given depression treatment when she was major bipolar. she didn't get the right diagnosis until she was remanded to state psychiatric care for passing bad checks in a blackout state. once they got her evened out, it was night and day.

my heart goes out to you. and the way you describe your scott sounds like the things the man has said to me, both when he watched me go through this with my mom when we were kids, and these days when i have my dances with demons. he's loyal, steadfast and strong. and i can tell, even through the internet, that y'all have that kind of relationship too.

Anna W said...

I don't even know what I'd do without Scott. He keeps me safe from everything, including myself.

kim said...

I think you have way more self awareness than Mim had at the time. While that doesn't mean you can control every emotion (and boy do I know that feeling), it does mean you can control the bulk of them and make quick apologies or the ones you can't.

I don't think you'll ever lose Scott or what you have. And I think you're dealing with all of this in an amazing way.