Thursday, May 27, 2010

Emotions...So Complicated

When I was growing up and my life was a living hell and I hadn't found the proper medication (or the proper psychotherapist, for that matter) I had to come up with some way to cope with all the crap and the only way I could was to shut out as much emotion as possible and just try to feel numb. For the most part, it worked. I studied a lot, which ended up being a very good thing, and kept me hidden away in my room most of the time I was at home, and I had friends, but I think I didn't know how much they meant to me until we were thousands of miles apart.

Now that I'm properly medicated I have the ability to feel emotions like "normal" people do. Antidepressants (and mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics, oh my) aren't "happy pills"; they simply give me the ability to feel happy when it is appropriate. While this is a beautiful, beautiful thing, these magical little pills also give me the ability to feel immensely sad at times, but about things that I should feel sad about.

So lately I've been a little bored, mostly just because I've been working fewer hours and am less motivated to work on the blanket (which is coming along beautifully, by the way, I'm just feeling quite blah about everything) and so I have more time to think and hang out on Facebook.

And lately what I've been noticing is that I feel immensely sad when I think about the friends I had back in South Dakota and how much I miss them, and even more sad when I think about how I'm stuck here in Utah and will probably never see most of them again.

I had one friend, Jacee, who was in the theater department with me and we had so much fun all the time having sleepovers, renting movies, going on bike rides, etc. My boyfriend and I went to the prom with her and her boyfriend. We were together the night of the senior class party and all the times we went to that nasty old pancake house on 10th Street.

Another friend I had was Cali, who was and always will be the most beautiful person I have ever known. She introduced me to so much amazing music, and she always let me be myself when I was with her. We had so many inside jokes, and we knew all about each other's pasts and heartaches. We even had a notebook (that I found the other day...forgot I still had it) in which we wrote our "Complaint of the Day" every day in lit class.

There was Shelby, who has always been an inspiration to me. She lives every day to its fullest..."No Day But Today" was plastered on the top of her mortarboard the day we graduated high school. She has always been a good person to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to cry or complain to, because she loves listening and truly cares.

I had a lot of friends like this in college as well, and it's always the same story...we grow up and move on and try to keep in touch but life gets busy and it's never the same again.

I am so incredibly sad about this.

And the heartbreaking part is, I don't have very many people like this in my life any more. And I don't know where to find them, now that I'm out of school, and that makes me feel kinda...pathetic. Like, I've turned into this lonely person and now that I can actually feel emotions and have lasting relationships all the relationships I had before are all but gone.

Isn't life awesome?


magnolia said...

believe me, there is always time to re-establish the connections you've lost. i went to a wedding in march where i saw three guys i hadn't seen since 1990. we started talking, a little awkwardly at first, but within 10 minutes it was like we'd never been apart.

especially in this day and age, technology makes it possible to rekindle old friendships so easily. (new ones, too, for that matter.) it's amazing. i mean, hell - you and i "chat" and we've never seen each other in real life. give it a shot. i think you'll be pleasantly surprised. and it's so, so, SO worth it.

Anna W said...

You've inspired me. I'm going to go send an e-mail right now...