Friday, May 6, 2011

I Had Like Four Cookies Today

Today is International No-Diet day.

I know diets don't work in the long-term. I know they aren't healthy. I also know I just don't have the willpower to stick with one. I did at one point, but obviously the weight I lost didn't stay off (well, I'm still a little lighter than my heaviest weight...). Still, I just wish I could find something that would make the weight fly right off. I tell you what, if meth were legal...and didn't make your teeth fall out...

I was thinking about it today. Why do I want to lose weight so badly?

  • I would feel successful. I would feel like I had some measure of control over my own body.
  • I am a little bit concerned about how the extra weight affects my body: the health of my systems, the pressure on my joints, and the ability to go through my daily activities with sufficient stamina.
  • I don't want people to look at me and assume I have no self-control, or am lazy (which, truthfully, is often true). I just don't want to be judged based on my "outside", when most of what I have to offer other people is on my "inside" (Not my guts. Those aren't useful to anyone but me.).
  • But let's face it: the biggest reason is the way I look. Now, just so you know, I don't usually care if other people are attracted to me or whatever (except Scott). It's all about ME. When I look in the mirror and I don't find MYSELF attractive, I get depressed.
Yeah. It's 10% the first three, and 90% the last one.

Why should I care how I look? I shouldn't. I don't wear makeup or anything, but I always look neat and clean, and that should be enough. But the way I was raised, both by my own parents and by society, has warped my ideas about personal appearance into something ugly and hurtful.

From the moment Mim married Jason, he told me and Kwiddens we were fat. We were six and four years old. Mim, having had an eating disorder herself, passed it on to us. I don't blame her for this (well, not entirely...). If you're raised a certain way, and this way of life is ingrained into you so deeply, there's often little you can do to prevent passing it on to your children. Add in the fact that she wasn't medicated yet, and that Jason was emotionally abusive, and I'm not surprised she wasn't in a position to change things for the better.

But what kind of a man tells a four year old she's fat? topic: Scott.

Scott is amazing. Scott is an angel. I never thought I could ever meet anyone who would love me just the way I am. The only reason he cares about my weight is because he knows I care about it and he wants me to be happy. He thinks I'm beautiful, inside and out.

So if I don't need to get skinny for Scott, or for other people, it's just for me.

But do I really need it?

You guys, I freaking love food. It's one of those things that I truly enjoy, every single day.

So why should I deprive myself of something that really makes me happy?

Now, tomorrow I will wake up and change my mind, and feel terrible for everything I ate today.


Anonymous said...

Had a brownie, chocolate cupcake with frosting and sprinkles, ice cream and way too much Mexican food today. It happens. You are an amazingly gorgeous person inside and out.

Anna W said...

Thanks, Erica. I'm glad I'm not the only one eating junk today!

A girl needs some chocolate every now and again!

magnolia said...

the word "fat" is a nuclear emotional weapon, in my opinion. it's the ultimate way to undo someone, especially when she's, like you said, young and vulnerable.

and as for the guy who told children barely older than babies that they were fat? i may not believe in a religiously-constructed afterlife, but i do FIRMLY believe in karma. it's a bitch, too. he'll get his, in one form or another. how horrifying.

like i said, you're so worth it. try not to let the bastards get you down.

Kim said...

I agree with Magnolia. People have used the term fat as a weapon of mass destruction over the years. It's like the last great insult. "Oh yeah...well, you're fat!" (*crowd goes quiet*)

Any man that would tell a four and six year old that they are fat should be marched around town wearing nothing but a diaper and a bib because clearly he has the maturity of a baby.

That is why I (and many others) have taken the word "Fat" back. Yes, I am fat. Took me a long time to admit it, but when you look at the definition I fit it. But just like someone that is short, tall, retarded, cross-eyed, a son of a bitch, a bastard, etc., I have to be the one who stops the word from having power. No one else can do this for me.

You're a beautiful person on the outside and the inside and you deserve someone like Scott in your life. I know you struggle with this issue, but at least you're dealing with it instead of just hiding it under a rock.