I know diets don't work in the long-term. I know they aren't healthy. I also know I just don't have the willpower to stick with one. I did at one point, but obviously the weight I lost didn't stay off (well, I'm still a little lighter than my heaviest weight...). Still, I just wish I could find something that would make the weight fly right off. I tell you what, if meth were legal...and didn't make your teeth fall out...
I was thinking about it today. Why do I want to lose weight so badly?
- I would feel successful. I would feel like I had some measure of control over my own body.
- I am a little bit concerned about how the extra weight affects my body: the health of my systems, the pressure on my joints, and the ability to go through my daily activities with sufficient stamina.
- I don't want people to look at me and assume I have no self-control, or am lazy (which, truthfully, is often true). I just don't want to be judged based on my "outside", when most of what I have to offer other people is on my "inside" (Not my guts. Those aren't useful to anyone but me.).
- But let's face it: the biggest reason is the way I look. Now, just so you know, I don't usually care if other people are attracted to me or whatever (except Scott). It's all about ME. When I look in the mirror and I don't find MYSELF attractive, I get depressed.
Yeah. It's 10% the first three, and 90% the last one.
Why should I care how I look? I shouldn't. I don't wear makeup or anything, but I always look neat and clean, and that should be enough. But the way I was raised, both by my own parents and by society, has warped my ideas about personal appearance into something ugly and hurtful.
From the moment Mim married Jason, he told me and Kwiddens we were fat. We were six and four years old. Mim, having had an eating disorder herself, passed it on to us. I don't blame her for this (well, not entirely...). If you're raised a certain way, and this way of life is ingrained into you so deeply, there's often little you can do to prevent passing it on to your children. Add in the fact that she wasn't medicated yet, and that Jason was emotionally abusive, and I'm not surprised she wasn't in a position to change things for the better.
But what kind of a man tells a four year old she's fat?
Anyway...new topic: Scott.
Scott is amazing. Scott is an angel. I never thought I could ever meet anyone who would love me just the way I am. The only reason he cares about my weight is because he knows I care about it and he wants me to be happy. He thinks I'm beautiful, inside and out.
So if I don't need to get skinny for Scott, or for other people, it's just for me.
But do I really need it?
You guys, I freaking love food. It's one of those things that I truly enjoy, every single day.
So why should I deprive myself of something that really makes me happy?
Now, tomorrow I will wake up and change my mind, and feel terrible for everything I ate today.