Overtime! Can You Even Believe It?

Most of the time the meds keep me pretty stable and happy and such, but on occasion I do still feel the ups and downs. They're dampened, but they're still there.

A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty energetic, and having a really hard time sleeping at night. Teensy peek of a manic phase.

The past three days or so have been a little rough. I'm feeling down, agitated, irritable, exhausted, and just generally emotional. This week at work has also been INSANE. As in, two of my three machines not working, and the third being out of commission for a whole day because of preventative maintenance, and add in the new guy who is replacing my coworker who is going to grad school (who is really nice, but you know how bad I am with change) (plus I'm really going to miss the guy he's replacing), and add in a giant boatload of samples from both our company and outside clients...it just piled up and I actually worked OVERTIME this week! That NEVER happens!

So I'm in a little teeny depressive phase. It's not that bad. I just feel a little antsy and all these random things that have nothing to do with anything are floating around in my head, and of course, very few of these things even make any sense. And I'm freaking tired. TIRED.

I'm just going to take this three-day weekend and chill, and hopefully by the time I need to get to work Tuesday morning I'm back to normal.

Also, I want my new tablet to come in the mail. I've been in withdrawal.

5,000 Questions: Part 3

New rules: if I think the question is dumb, I'll skip it. That's why there are numbers missing.


41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? 
Fly! I HATE being on open water.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? 
Refraction!

43. What does your name mean? 
Grace, which is hilarious given how clumsy I actually am.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? 
How about my living room?

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be? 
I'm cool with all zombies.

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive? 
Mike Rowe, maybe?

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday? 
Not really a movie, but I could watch Stargate every day. There are 17 seasons now, so it lasts me a while. It makes for good knitting TV!

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
Yarn. The first thing I thought when I read this question, though, was "What if I have to use the bathroom?!"

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? 
Some doctors saved my life once when I was little and got really freaking sick and was in the hospital for a week.

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands? 
I'm working on a baby blanket right now, just in case.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child? 
Legos!

54. How many TV’s are in your house? 
Two: one in the living room and one in front of the treadmill.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside? 
Turning around and walking back inside. Sad, I know.

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow? 
What does it mean?! Ok, really I don't care.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? 
No, my dreams are all usually too psychotic to ever be real. Such as my dreams about dinosaurs. Especially zombie dinosaurs.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? 
Yes...don't tell Scott, but I went to one last week. Oh wait, Scott reads this. Hey Scott, I went to a psychic last week!

59. What is your idea of paradise? 
I don't believe in paradise. I believe in weekends that involve yarn, good food, and extra snuggle time with Buster and Scott.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like? 
Sometimes I believe in a god and sometimes I just believe in science. When I do believe, he or she seems to be either slightly benevolent or disinterested.

Uggggggggh.

Once upon a time there was a woman named Anna. Anna was a very careful person who took very good care of her things. Unfortunately, she was a bit of an idiot, and dropped her new Android tablet on the floor, where is broke into several pieces.

Noble Scott tried to fix it, but in vain.

Anna felt like a moron.

Sweet Scott went online and found another, better tablet, and called his brother, who lives in Hong Kong, to see if he could get us a good deal on it (he works with the company that makes it) and we'll see what happens.

I'm so freaking mad at myself.

No Judgement Here!

This is almost exactly my experience with leaving organized religion.

It was never about judgement, or not being able to be "righteous" enough, or anything like that. It was all about my feelings toward what I was taught as I grew up. It was about finding what would make me feel at peace with myself.

Just some food for thought...

Reese's And I Are Going To Go Get A Room

So I think I've mentioned Scott's allergies before. I haven't listed all of them, though, so here:

Peanuts
Tree nuts
Some seeds
Legumes
Shellfish
RABBITS (the fur, not the meat)(that we know of)(we're not in the habit of eating bunnies)
Plants
Animals (actually, we're both allergic to Buster, but he's TOTALLY WORTH IT)
Life in general

So how do you cook for someone who can't eat these things?

Let me be more clear: soy is a legume. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS HAVE SOY PROTEIN IN THEM? Also, my company chelates minerals to soy protein, so sometimes when I get it on my clothes Scott is actually literally allergic to me. Also, one time we were at Target and he smelled a soy candle and his throat closed up. Fun times.

Sigh.

When we buy a new skillet dinner at the store it's a risk we have to take. We always have Benadryl on hand. Sometimes Scott will take a Benadryl just so he can eat clam chowder at Zupas! That's true love.

The interesting thing is that this soy allergy seems to be getting worse. More and more things are giving him trouble. We had to switch brands of meatballs. We were sad about this.

There's one thing that you all have to remember, more important than everything else ever:

You can pry my peanut butter from my cold, dead hands.

Tiny! Pink! Thousands Of Books!

Perhaps you've been wondering why my blog posts lately have been...intermittent...at best.

Well, I've fallen in love. Not with Scott; I was already in love with him.

No, I'm in love with my new Precious:

Meet my new Android tablet!

She's tiny! She's pink! She fits in my purse! She's Baby Pink Lappie's little sister!

It does almost everything Baby Pink Lappie does. Granted, most websites aren't configured for an Android OS, so things like Facebook and Twitter are a bit more bare bones, but still functional. The thing is, I like having internet functionality on it, but when I'm at home I've got Baby Pink Lappie anyway, so anything I need to do on the internet I can do there. She is, after all, almost as tiny as Baby Pink Tablet. But when I'm out and about, I can pick up wi-fi anywhere there's a signal, and if I can't, there are still games and such. I have full access to the Android market, so basically anything you can get on a Droid I can get on this tablet (except things that involve phone or camera functionality).

My favorite feature, however, is the e-book reader! Here you can see my bookshelf (ok, just the very top of my bookshelf; I've downloaded about a thousand books so far...).

I'm currently reading The War Of The Worlds by H. G. Wells.

The e-book program has direct links to several online book databases, and you would not believe the amount of free reading material is available. It'll be years before I make it through the books I've downloaded already! The other amazing thing is the battery life. If I turn the wi-fi off, I can read all day at work and barely use any of the battery. This thing is way more awesome than I thought it would be when I ordered it!

The funny thing? We ordered it from Hong Kong, and the plug was the kind to plug in in Hong Kong. So we went to Radio Shack to see if there were an adapter...there was but HOLY CRAP $35! We're cheap thrifty responsible with money, so Scott said he could make one. It's not pretty, but it works!

So at work, instead of blogging in my spare time, I've been reading. And playing Sudoku.

Addicted.

Dear Scott...

Dear Scott,

Today is our four year anniversary. Four wonderful years ago today, I looked at you and smiled while I said, "I do". I still do! You're awesome! I'm so happy to be with you.

Scott, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You light up my life. You're so sweet, always thinking of me and how you can make my life better. You know exactly what makes me me and how to deal with it when I'm being silly (read: unreasonable, stubborn, bratty, snippy, etc.). You never make me feel bad about myself, my opinions, or anything I do. You're always supportive and you want me to be happy more than anything in the world. I want you to be happy, too, more than everything ever.

You share laughter with me, and sometimes sadness, but I love you no matter how I'm feeling (which is good, you know, because my emotions tend to go a little nuts every now and again...). I find every new day exciting and fun, as long as I'm with you.

How did I get so lucky? Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve someone as amazing as you are. You really are something special, and I hope you know that. You're the best person I know, and you make me want to be a better person. That's pretty magical.

Thank you for all you do for me, and for listening to me, and loving me, and cherishing the moments we spend together (even when we're just going grocery shopping or something).

Last night I asked you what you wanted to do today. "Same thing we do every night, Pinky!", you said. That made me smile. But let's go out to dinner, ok? Maybe I'll even put on makeup.

Love always,
Anna

I Had Like Four Cookies Today

Today is International No-Diet day.

I know diets don't work in the long-term. I know they aren't healthy. I also know I just don't have the willpower to stick with one. I did at one point, but obviously the weight I lost didn't stay off (well, I'm still a little lighter than my heaviest weight...). Still, I just wish I could find something that would make the weight fly right off. I tell you what, if meth were legal...and didn't make your teeth fall out...

I was thinking about it today. Why do I want to lose weight so badly?

• I would feel successful. I would feel like I had some measure of control over my own body.
• I am a little bit concerned about how the extra weight affects my body: the health of my systems, the pressure on my joints, and the ability to go through my daily activities with sufficient stamina.
• I don't want people to look at me and assume I have no self-control, or am lazy (which, truthfully, is often true). I just don't want to be judged based on my "outside", when most of what I have to offer other people is on my "inside" (Not my guts. Those aren't useful to anyone but me.).
• But let's face it: the biggest reason is the way I look. Now, just so you know, I don't usually care if other people are attracted to me or whatever (except Scott). It's all about ME. When I look in the mirror and I don't find MYSELF attractive, I get depressed.

Yeah. It's 10% the first three, and 90% the last one.

Why should I care how I look? I shouldn't. I don't wear makeup or anything, but I always look neat and clean, and that should be enough. But the way I was raised, both by my own parents and by society, has warped my ideas about personal appearance into something ugly and hurtful.

From the moment Mim married Jason, he told me and Kwiddens we were fat. We were six and four years old. Mim, having had an eating disorder herself, passed it on to us. I don't blame her for this (well, not entirely...). If you're raised a certain way, and this way of life is ingrained into you so deeply, there's often little you can do to prevent passing it on to your children. Add in the fact that she wasn't medicated yet, and that Jason was emotionally abusive, and I'm not surprised she wasn't in a position to change things for the better.

But what kind of a man tells a four year old she's fat?

Anyway...new topic: Scott.

Scott is amazing. Scott is an angel. I never thought I could ever meet anyone who would love me just the way I am. The only reason he cares about my weight is because he knows I care about it and he wants me to be happy. He thinks I'm beautiful, inside and out.

So if I don't need to get skinny for Scott, or for other people, it's just for me.

But do I really need it?

You guys, I freaking love food. It's one of those things that I truly enjoy, every single day.

So why should I deprive myself of something that really makes me happy?

Now, tomorrow I will wake up and change my mind, and feel terrible for everything I ate today.

5,000 Questions: Part 2

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? 
Giver for sure. I love giving people my time, gifts, money, anything to help my loved ones be happy and healthy.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? 
I try to. It's hard sometimes when you're so hard-wired to think a certain way, though. I find that the older I get, the more open-minded I become, and the more liberal, too. Don't tell my parents.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? 
Getting a tattoo on my wrist hurt pretty badly. Carpal tunnel hurt pretty badly before I got surgeried.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? 
If anyone wants to know this specifically, they can ask, but it's too personal for here (for now, at least).

25. Who have you hugged today? 
My amazing husband! I think. I'll hug him later for sure.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you? 
Scott knew I was feeling terrible today from not getting any freaking sleep last night so he made me dinner. It consisted of pouring some Kashi into a bowl and adding milk, but now I know he loves me and doesn't want me to starve.

27. Do you have a lot to learn? 
Duh.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be? 

A. I'd love to be able to play either the acoustic guitar (so I can finally steal Mim's Ibanez) or else learn to play the piano again.

B. I'd love to be able to speak another language. Probably Spanish, since so many people around here speak it, and I used to know the language pretty well, but it turns out, once you stop studying it and using it completely, it kinda just leaves your brain. 

C. COOK AMAZING DELICIOUS CALORIE-FREE THINGS!

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel? 
WOW, that's a tough one. I mean, how people make me feel is a direct result of what they do and say. I do have a very good memory for remembering what people say, I suppose.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? 
Complete trust, communication about everything, and having your own, individual hobbies and alone time.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die? 

A.  Design and build my very own home for us to live in, not just a flip.

B.  Get to a normal body weight permanently.

C.  Get back to South Dakota and see old friends.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? 

A.  I think this question is silly.

B.  The point of living is to not die.

C.  So if there's something I don't want to do, I'll just not do it.

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? 
Spreading awareness about the realities of mental illness.

34. What does each decade make you think of: 

The 19.. 

20's: Flappers

30's: Dirt

40's: Pinup girls

50's: I have no idea

60's: The moon

70's: Hair bands

80's: Big hair

90's: Being a kid

2000's: School

2010's (so far): Marriage

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why? Um...the 2000's, I think. my schooling, then my marriage in 2007, were essential in forming me into what I am today.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? Um, I suppose "More Than A Feeling" by Boston. I just love it for no particular reason.

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
USA, Obama

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be? 
Thank you for trying to create positive change. You're a breath of fresh air.

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? 
If I can't sleep I usually surf the internet instead of watching TV. There's nothing on, you know?

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? 
Gaston, because I'm so vain. Just kidding. I have no idea.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? 
No. Mim was anti-Girl Scouts because they weren't anti-gay. Sad, I know. Mim and I are the same a lot of the time, but this is one thing about which we have completely opposite opinions.

Cable Spaghetti

Scott and I are a perfect match. One of the wonderful things we share is the love of organization!

This past Saturday Scott needed to go in to work to reorganize the servers and such. It needed to be done when the office was closed so he could disconnect all the networks and phones. I didn't want him to be lonely, so after I went and had my hair done I picked up lunch and came to keep him company. I ended up being a big help, too, because he was having to do all the work and keep track of what everything was at the same time, and once I got there I could keep records of what was connected to what, and then read it all back to him when it was all taken apart.

So here's one of the server stacks before:

Nasty, huh?

Anyway, here it is after Scott stripped all the cables. That took HOURS because they were so tangled. Every few minutes I heard a "Damn it, so-and-so, why did you do it like this?!", but mostly it went smoothly (it just took time). There were a few cables he couldn't undo, such as the firewall cables, so we had to work around those.

The next few hours were spent rewiring everything. WHAT A JOB. We got everything run very neatly, in nice bundles, with NO TANGLES.

Once everything was all organized we just had to put the shields over the cables and can you even believe how neat this looks?!

Here's another server stack that is now organized (trust me, I know it looks like a spaghetti factory, but everything's bundled and color coded and OH BOY you should have seen it before Scott got his hands on it!):

Having things nice and neat just feels so...right.

It's So Short!

I've been feeling totally blah lately. You know the feeling. I needed to spice something up, and I hadn't done anything to the hair for a while, so Friday night I decided I needed to do something. When I woke up Saturday morning I got on the internet and looked through tons of websites about what cuts are best for your face shape and such. I even found a site where I could upload a picture of myself and superimpose celebrities' hairstyles to see how they would look.

I finally decided on a layered, A-line, long bob. I spent the afternoon trying to get a good picture of it to send to Mim, and most of them kinda suck so I'll just post them all:

I think this picture looks the best (with it tucked behind my ears):

And here's the back, which looks funny here but it really is cut evenly, I promise!

It's one of those wash and wear cuts, so I still don't have to blow my hair dry every morning (WIN), but it's a little cute and a little flirty and I feel a little...refreshed, I suppose.

Now I just have to grow it out (Scott prefers long hair) (don't worry, he still thinks I'm pretty).

And then in another year maybe I'll go get another haircut...

Also, it's a new, auburnish color, but you can't really tell in these pictures. Someday maybe I'll get a good camera instead of just using the one on my phone...