Lately I've almost let go regarding healthy eating. I say almost because I start off each week wanting to be healthier, so I pack lunches for Scott and myself so we won't go out to eat, where the portions are generally ridiculous and the healthy choices are rather limited. Then Thursday rolls around. Thursday is treat day at my lab, where we take turns bringing in something delicious to share. So on Thursdays, I know I'm going to have a treat, so I don't pack a lunch. Today was seven layer dip. Heaven. And then on Friday, I didn't pack a lunch the day before so I get lazy and think, "It's okay for us to go out for lunch. It's Friday!" Then, the weekend happens.
This isn't to say that we haven't been doing a lot better lately than we were before, especially on weekends, but still...I feel like there's work to be done.
Baby steps, right?
Anyway, along with the healthy-eating-half-of-the-time, I've been trying to see my body in a more positive light. When I went clothes shopping a little while back, I bought clothes that were actually my size, which is a big deal for me. I had put off buying clothes for the longest time because I was thinking, "I'll buy clothes when I've lost weight. That way, I won't have wasted money on clothes that are too big for me later." The problem is, obviously, that I haven't lost the weight. I'm starting to think maybe I won't. And if I do, it's going to take a damn long time, so I should probably avoid nakedness in the meantime.
It blows my mind that on different days I can look in the mirror and see two completely different people. Some days, like today, I look in the mirror and see someone who, yes, could stand to lose some weight, but really isn't as big as she feels like she is. A few days ago I was in the bathroom at work and looking in the mirror and I wanted to see how big I really looked, because we all know that when you look in the mirror you see yourself as bigger than other people see you. So, I took a picture of myself with my phone. I didn't look as big as I thought I did. And that felt good.
Then, I have those days when I avoid mirrors, because I feel like if I see myself I'll be tempted to starve myself or exercise obsessively or something else that would do more harm than good.
I've been better about bingeing lately. I've tried to avoid eating when I get upset, and I'm trying to listen to my body and let it tell me when it's hungry. It seems like my problems are no longer emotional, but habitual. Now that things in my life are pretty good (well, there's always something, but it's all relative), I don't feel upset very often at all. But I've been so used to eating inappropriately pretty much my whole life that it's habit now. I eat too much. What I eat isn't all that unhealthy most of the time, but eating Kashi GoLean (YUM) in the mornings isn't going to help as much if I'm eating twice as much as I'm supposed to. I just love feeling full. And I feel hungry all the freaking time, no matter if I undereat or eat normally. I don't know how to stop that.
I suppose all this means that my eating disorder has morphed into a new kind of monster.
The sad thing about all this is that I have no idea when it started. I do remember one time in seventh grade, weighing 80 pounds, and looking in the mirror while I was wearing my swimsuit and absolutely loathing myself because of how "big" I was. I was 11 years old. And I know there are women out there for whom it started even earlier than that.