Damn Cookies...Ice Cream...Cinnamon Rolls...

I have slender friends. Friends with amazing bodies that match their beautiful minds and personalities. Sometimes I hear those friends talk despairingly (is that a word?) about how much they hate their bodies and think they're too fat. And all I can think is, "If you think you're fat, then when you look at me you must think I'm a freaking whale..."

But that's not true. We all look at ourselves so differently than we look at anyone else. We hold ourselves to a tougher standard. It's just human nature. I'm human, for sure.

When I was in high school, for a while I was anorexic (well, mostly anorexic-I ate something, but barely anything, so I think starving myself counts regardless). I wouldn't eat breakfast, I would go to work or school and eat "lunch", which usually consisted of some lettuce or a diet soda, and then I would go home and tell Mim that I had eaten a big lunch and wasn't hungry. I would also exercise a lot...A LOT...and let me tell you, I looked GOOD. But I never felt good. And I always hated myself.

Then one day I just couldn't handle it anymore. The pressure to be thin, combined with the immense amount of pressure I put on myself to excel in school, and the stress and heartache originating at home broke me, and I broke down into tears and told Mim everything. I remember how she hugged me and comforted me, and she made me feel like I was beautiful no matter what and she was proud of me for being strong enough to admit it and want to get help.

A lot of things drove me to it. Look up eating disorders in a book somewhere and you'll see my chubby face. For a while I thought I had moved past it, but it keeps rearing its ugly head over and over and over again, except for now, instead of anorexia, I have a problem with binge eating (and unfortunately, I can't force myself to purge, so I just stay fat). I do have one friend in my life (anonymous, for now at least) that also suffers from emotional eating problems/eating disorders, and we talk about it a lot, and I tell her things I wouldn't admit to other people (except the whole internet, apparently, because here you go), such as that I wish I could throw up after eating, or I wish I could just not eat, or I wish I could eat a freaking tapeworm (they used to do that, you know) (it's extremely tempting, though it can kill you) (plus then there's a worm inside you, eew).

I feel the need to eat. So I eat. Then, I feel disgusted with myself. But the need to eat is so strong, and I feel helpless to fight it. And after I eat, I feel like a complete failure for not stopping myself. I feel like I should be stronger. I feel like I should have the willpower. I feel like, even though things have happened to me in the past that have been hard for me and left scars that may never fade, I have a great life now and my feelings (and eating habits) should reflect that. BUT, I'm broken. So freaking broken. And I have no idea what to do about it.

Shortie

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Text Time 13: In Which I Reveal That I'm Actually A Jerk

Kwiddens: I hope I don't go to hell
Me: Why would you?
Kwiddens: Lol idk. I just don't wanna be stuck with Isaac's mom for eternity.

Kwiddens: Did you know that I'm the meanest mom in the world?
Me: Oh?
Kwiddens: I sucked all the snot out of Nyah's nose
Me: How could you do such a thing!?
Kwiddens: I'm heartless
Me: Who is telling you that?!
Kwiddens: Nyah is :) She's squealing like a stuck pig
Me: Lol. I thought Isaac's mom was saying that to you or something...I was about to leave work and kick her ass.
Kwiddens: There would be nothing left by the time you got here.

Kwiddens: I want to be a wizard.
Me: Hell yes.

Me: I thought about starting a new blog. Anonymous. With nothing but the texts we share about Isaac's mom. With names changed. Hilarious.
Kwiddens: You should.
Me: I will do it nine times. Because they're hilarious, but too mean to put on my personal blog.
Kwiddens: I'm horrible.
Me: We both are. But we've been driven to it!
Kwiddens: Exactly. I'm going to give Isaac's mom a lobotomy in her sleep.
Me: Use something dull. Like a spoon.
Kwiddens: Yeah. Or I'll just tilt her head back and pour a strong acid up her nose
Me: I can bring you some. What kind do you prefer? HF causes a lot of damage, as do super acids, but I don't have access to those. I do, however, have sulfuric acid, which eats through soft tissue in seconds.

Kwiddens: I need to buy a punching bag.
Me: Why not use Isaac's sister? She's large and soft.
Kwiddens: Haha

Conclusion: We are going to hell.

It's A Really Fugly Bathtub!

So I've briefly mentioned before that Kwiddens doesn't really like her in-laws. She and Isaac were living in their basement while they tried to save money up to get their own place.

There were several conflicts. Isaac's dad is a really nice guy, so he's ok. Isaac's mom and sisters treated Isaac's dad terribly, though, so that was the first strike against them. Really, they're jerks to him, and he just has to take it because if he ever stood up for himself or tried to leave, well, Utah is an alimony state, so he's basically stuck financially. The most infuriating thing is their money system: Isaac's dad works very hard, and his mom works about three hours a day. She is allowed to keep the money she makes and do whatever she wants with it. He has to use his money to pay all the bills, but sometimes there isn't enough, so he has to pick and choose which bills to pay each month, and Isaac's mom refuses to pitch in any of her money to help.

Isaac's sister has a child with special needs, but she refuses to get him any sort of help, so he gets sent home from school all the time for acting up and being violent toward other kids and even teachers. She won't make proper meals for him, and she won't make sure he's clothed properly, and she just sits him down in front of the TV all day every day. Kwiddens has worked in childcare for years now, so this hits really close to home. It's terrible for her to watch a child be neglected like that, so while she was living there she was trying to help parent him as much as she could. But he's never been parented, so he's completely unmanageable, and it was really wearing on her.

In their house, Isaac's mom and sisters didn't do any housework, leaving it all for Isaac's dad, Isaac, and Kwiddens to do. It's not like Kwiddens wasn't happy to pitch in; but the others just weren't doing anything (and then complaining about how "hard" their lives are). I'm sorry to say it, but these are lazy, self-entitled people who were nothing but constantly rude to Kwiddens and Isaac while they were there, even though they pitched in and helped as much as they could. It was like Isaac's mom and sisters could do no wrong, and Isaac's dad, Isaac, and Kwiddens could do no right.

So last week, KABOOM, everything came bubbling to the surface. Things were tense, and Kwiddens heard them talking smack about her upstairs. So she went up and told them "If you have something to say, say it to my face." and all hell broke loose. They had a fight. A big one. EVERYONE was involved. Kwiddens decided to just leave so she and everyone else could cool off, so she went to Mim's for a few days. The problem was, once she got there, Isaac called and told her that he had been informed that they were no longer welcome in that house, and they were to get their things out and leave A.S.A.P.

Wow.

So there were a few frantic days of trying to find a place to live that was affordable and available immediately. They found a place, borrowed Bob's trailer, made several trips back and forth and now they're all moved in and getting things settled and organized. I'm happy to report that Nyah has already adjusted to the new apartment and wasn't as stressed about the whole thing as they expected her to be.

They found an apartment that's actually part of an old house. The house was built in the late 1800's, so you can see really cool little details like carved archways and fancy baseboards. It's almost shabby chic. All the carpet's new and the appliances work just fine. The only thing is the bathtub: it's the most ghetto bathtub I've ever seen. But it's getting resurfaced in a few days, so then all will be well!

The best part? Now instead of driving 45 minutes to see her, it's only 20. Also, it's right down the street from where I work. I win.

Stop The Attack!

I don't remember what cued this memory, but the other day I remembered something that happened to me once in high school.

I was, as you know, Mormon, and I was trying desperately to believe in it, since my parents did (and I seriously thought there was something wrong with me for not believing, like I was a bad person or something), and I wanted to please my parents so badly. I went to early morning seminary every school day for five years. For those of you who aren't in the know, seminary is a church class for teenagers. We studied the scriptures in depth for an hour every day before school. Yes, I woke up at 5 a.m. all through high school. I knew all the facts; it was just believing in it all that was the problem. I figured that if I studied it enough it would click and God would bless me with understanding and belief. So I studied and learned and drilled it into my brain.

I went over to a friend's house once, and somehow in conversation it came out that I was Mormon, and my friend's father started trying to pick a fight about what I believed. He would ask questions and I would answer with the answers that I had been given when I was studying, and he would argue and attack everything I said. This was not in the spirit of healthy debate, either. He was sitting there, smugly trying to tear apart everything my young life had been built around. Here was this man, 50 years old, bullying a 16 year old who was still trying to figure out who she was and what she believed.

I don't know why I remembered this suddenly the other day, but it made me angry. At the time I kinda took it as a challenge, and when people opposed us we had been taught that it was Satan working through other people to push against God and His plan, etc. But now that I'm grown and have things more or less figured out, even though my beliefs are completely different now than they were then, I'm still angry about it. What kind of insecure, petty person picks on a teenager and rips apart everything she stands for? I can't believe this guy treated me like this.

The interesting thing is, if I had been Catholic, or Baptist, or Muslim, or anything, really, I don't think there would have been an issue. For some reason, when Mormonism comes up, it makes people lose their senses and all of a sudden people decide that it's their life's mission to convince the person that this particular dogma is wrong and they're wasting their time and devotion.

Now, for me, right now, Mormonism isn't the right fit. No organized religion is, really. I worship on my own. But one of the most important things to me is freedom of religion, and respect for the religious choices all people make. I will never argue with a Mormon (or anyone) because I think it's important that everyone be allowed to believe what they want to believe. If so-and-so down the street is Baptist, who cares? It's not hurting me. In fact, the diversity we have from all the different systems of belief in this world is an amazing and beautiful thing.

Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't make sense to me.

(But I respect his/her right to think what he/she wants.)

The Green Room, Part 4

Before we painted the walls we decided to do the ceiling. It needed to be textured before it was primed and painted. We wanted the texturing to match the texturing in the rest of the house (well, Scott wanted it to match. I didn't really care as long as it looked good), so we called a professional to get a quote. It's a small room, right? He wanted $250! THAT changed Scott's mind! So he went to Home Depot and bought the texturing brush and did it himself. It only took him about an hour, and it turns out, it looks just like the ceilings in the rest of the house. WIN.

Then the ceiling got primed and painted. At one point we noticed that a seam was showing in one spot, so Scott sanded it down and re-textured it, and it looks much better now.

So here it is, pretty much finished (we needed to get a new register cover and put the covers on the lights, but otherwise it was done):

The next bit we wanted to do was to replace the window. When we moved into this house, there were several windows that were cracked, so we asked our landlord to replace them. He did, but he is a total cheapskate and bought the cheapest, crappiest windows you could ever find. It even cracked again, but we didn't use this room for much except storage most of the time so we just didn't worry about it. But now that it's open to the rest of the house and will be used regularly, we needed to make the room habitable, and this window was letting cold air in like crazy. So we went to Home Depot (I'm sensing a theme) and bought a new one. Here's Scott tearing out the old one:

And here he is installing the nice, new one:

It even looks nicer than the old one, and it's an energy-efficient window, so now it stays plenty warm in there.

I continue to find it amazing that Scott knows how to do EVERYTHING. Flooring. Cabinets. Drywall. Ceilings. Windows. Doors. Decks. Shower doors. Siding. EVERYTHING.

He's magical!

The Green Room, Part 3

After the electrical work was done, the insulation back up, and the can lights installed, the next step was putting up drywall. Scott has a group of very super awesome friends that were willing to come over and help in exchange for lots of pizza.

The hard part was the ceiling, especially because we had to measure and cut very carefully the holes for the lights. The nice thing is that Scott found a little thingy at Home Depot that we hooked up to the drill and it made a perfectly round hole.

Once the ceiling was in the rest was (comparatively) a piece of cake.

After drywall we mudded the whole room to get it ready for painting.

So here is the view up the stairs:

And here is the view from the stairs:

Progress!

Mixed Veggies, Mixed Thoughts

• So I've been trying to be more of an adult-a responsible adult-with my eating. Starting this morning. Today went GREAT! For dinner I mixed peas and corn and a bit of butter and it was so delicious that I'm thinking of making more.
• I also went to the gym today. I got there and two treadmills were out of order and all the rest were being used, except the one that clicks, which drives me, and everyone around me, insane. So, I decided to use the recumbent bike. WOW. I hadn't done that one in a while, and I forgot how different of a workout it is! My butt hurts. A lot. But it's the good kind of pain: the kind where you know you burned a lot of calories and you know that eventually the same workout won't hurt at all.
• It's been decently warm lately, but today I got home and it was snowing a bit, and I felt disproportionately cold. Even after I took a hot shower I just felt chilled to the bone. My thermostat is set three degrees above where it normally is, and I'm still shivering.
• Scott wants to get more exercise, so he went out and bought some rollerblades. He also wants Buster to get some exercise, so he brought Buster along with him yesterday (when it was nice and warm outside). At first Buster pulled Scott behind him, and I watched them head down the street, and Buster was pulling so hard that Scott totally tipped over. Sad. Funny, though! Anyway, Buster alternated between being confused and scared of the rollerblades and being really excited and pulling.
• Drama, drama, drama, and now Kwiddens has her own apartment. I'll expand on this later.
• This past weekend I ate pretty badly. It's frustrating because I alternate between wanting to be healthy and not caring. I enjoy food. It's one of my favorite things. If only my favorites were celery and rice cakes...
• There's a new full-time employee in the micro lab. She seems very nice.
• Today at work I finished everything on the gorgeous knee sock except grafting the toe and weaving in the ends. I'm wearing it right now. It's a perfect fit and it's made of wool, bamboo, and silk, so it's like wearing clouds.
• I've got a serious hankering for some kind of chocolate/peanut butter concoction.

It's Totally Legal

To some, sleep is refreshing. Sleep is a break. Sleep is necessary time off. Some people think sleep is a waste of time; I think those people are crazy.

For me, sleep is more than all of that. Sleep is a non-chemical means of escape. Let me explain:

As most of you know, I was raised Mormon. While I do believe this screwed with me quite a bit, it did keep me out of trouble. I was so unhappy that I'm sure that if I didn't have that strict, religious upbringing  I would have gotten into drugs. Don't get me wrong; I'm definitely opposed to illegal drug use, for many reasons. But sometimes I can totally understand where druggies are coming from. Escape can be totally awesome.

I am fortunate enough to have been born at a time when modern medicine has figured out...well, medicine. My daily regimen of psychotropic medications is a force to be reckoned with, but even so, there are days when I still feel like I'm just not handling things. This is where Klonopin comes in. Klonopin is a magical friend. It calms me. It helps me slow down my breathing and my thinking and helps me focus and get back into control. And I admit freely that I enjoy taking it when I need to. Actually, if I take a full dose, it makes me kinda loopy and makes it really easy for me to fall asleep for a good, long time. Alcohol does the same thing. And Benadryl. Nyquil, as well. Basically, I'm in love with anything that'll knock me out cold. I ONLY USE LEGAL STUFF. And I'm glad things in my life are good now because my coping mechanisms include fooding and sleeping, and I'll take something to help me sleep any day of the week.

If I'm asleep I don't have to think about anything. ANYTHING. I have dreams, yes, but my dreams very rarely have anything to do with reality, so I don't really dream about things I'm worrying about. Mostly, I dream about dinosaurs (I love this about myself). It's a way for me to check out for a bit. I know things will still be there when I wake up but for a few precious hours I can ignore whatever I want and nap.

I would be totally afraid to use some crazy illegal drugs because I would be out of control. I know that if I take Nyquil, I will be completely in control, because I know I will be pretty much comatose. I'm a total control freak. Out of control = out of my mind. And I would like to stay in my mind, thank you very much.

So if I'm sleeping a lot, don't be worried. It's just my alternative to crack.

I'm Frozen And Tired

My internet presence of late has consisted of lurking.

I'm just so tired and cold and I don't feel like I have anything to say. I have more pictures of the ex-green room, but I can't seem to capture on camera the actual shade of blue. It's so frustrating.

I went to a spinning class tonight and let me tell you, skipping class for two months is a terribly bad idea. BAD. I couldn't keep up. I was actually out of breath. I had to sit out a few of the intervals, and the woman who cycles in front of me is a super overachiever and kept going the whole time with her resistance set way high! I don't actually resent her for this; it's amazing that she's in such good shape. It gives me something to aspire to. It just didn't contribute to my self-esteem tonight, that's all.

Work has been slow, and that's fine because it means there's no frustration, but it also means I need to kill time. Last week I was working on my knee socks, and basically did a knitting marathon all week (I got to the middle of the foot), and now I feel knitted out. I wasn't sure that was possible, but it turns out it is!

I had a mild bug Sunday and Monday. I went in to work anyway, because I knew that if I had stayed home I would just be lying around feeling bad for making someone else do my job when I was totally capable of doing it myself. My job isn't physically taxing, so it's not a big deal if all I have is a headache and body aches and some phlegm. I went home after work on Monday and basically passed out, and then I was awake for about three hours before I went back to bed. I woke up this morning feeling just fine, except a teeny bit sleepy, but picking up some coffee at Maverik solved that problem.

I've joined a pool at work for a weight loss contest, and I really would like to win. I have the weight to lose, and I think I can do it; it's all about discipline and I'm not sure I have it right now, but it's definitely worth a try. I've been so bad about keeping track of what I eat these past several months. I started using FatSecret again today. I'm going to try to track everything I eat and also all the exercise I do. I went to the gym today, so that means that so far, I've gone to the gym every day in February!

(Just let me have that little pretend victory. I need it right now.)

I had Jorg up at my house this past weekend. Scott had people over for a LAN, so Jorg played with them, and also spent some time with me. We hung out and watched a movie Friday night (Saving Private Ryan), and Saturday night  we went and saw the new Narnia movie (I loved it, but of course, I love all things Narnia) and then stayed up very very late watching Dress To Kill (Eddie Izzard). If you haven't seen this, and you don't mind some a lot of profanity, you MUST watch this. The beginning bit is a little dumb, but once he gets on stage and gets going you're going to love it. Then Sunday when I woke up, as you know, I felt like crap. I just rested on the couch all day until Mim came to pick Jorg up. We had a little bit of a chat, which is always lovely, before she headed home.

And that is basically a summary of the goings-on in my life right now. Nothing too exciting, I know, and I'm glad things are going smoothly.

And, now that I've said that, tomorrow everything will blow up. Or something. Because that's how luck works. I'mma go find some wood to knock on.