Thursday, August 30, 2012

Don't Wanna

You know, I totally thought I had a great poker face at work, like when I was feeling down, I thought  people wouldn't be able to tell. Apparently, I can hide the crazy, but not the depression. I've had three people in three different departments ask me if I was okay this morning. And to all of them I actually said "No." I can't believe I did that. I think this means I feel totally comfortable with the three coworkers who asked, and feel like I can confide in them that no, things are not quite okay, and here's why. I didn't go into the whole meds-make-my-brain-fuzzy thing, but I did talk a bit about job dissatisfaction, stress, not sleeping well, and general depression. And you know what? They didn't judge me for being a crazy person (not that I expected them to). Nobody really does, that I know of.

Anyway, I've been thinking all day about how I don't really want to go to knit night tonight, but I don't want to ditch my friends, and I really need to get out of the house, and on and on. I'm stressing out majorly today (more so in the morning than now) because of work, even though it's not an unusually busy day or anything. I think the depression is just lowering my tolerance for stress, and that in turn is causing some anxiety over things that, on any other day, wouldn't even cross my mind. I mean, I ran out of disposable pipets and freaked out. Then I used something else and everything turned out just fine. No big deal, right? Apparently, it was.

But as I said the other day: I'm more or less forcing myself to go to things and blog (look, it's working!) and get up and go to work every morning, so I'll go to knit night tonight. I just might not like it.