The Evolution Of Newb

When Kwiddens started high school, and I was in my senior year, we sorta...started our own language. It isn't completely different from English, but it's completely confusing if you're not used to it.

I don't remember exactly how it started, but I know it involved my senior year boyfriend, Dan. Dan and Kwiddens and I would hang out in the orchestra room before school every morning, and we would get to talking, and we were being really goofy, and in high school almost nobody is politically correct, and so we were...talking like...retarded people...I feel awful confessing that, because I realize now how mean that is! But the whole point is, we would talk in this language and we called it "Weetawd". See? I'm a horrible person, and I'm going to hell.

So at some point we did realize that it was horribly rude and awful, etc. So, we decided to call it something else, and the name changed to "Doobie". Because we had called annoying idiot people doobies and it was just hilarious at the time.

Now, a quick aside:

One summer, about a year later, Kwiddens went to Girl's Camp (church camp) and while she was there, she caught a group of girls GETTING HIGH AT CHURCH CAMP. And it wasn't just pot, either; there was some harder stuff there. Anyway, Kwiddens went and told a camp counselor, who called the police, and they came and the girls got in trouble. You would think the rest of the girls, the ones who were following the rules and actually wanted camp to be a spiritual experience, would be proud of Kwiddens for standing up for her beliefs and doing the right thing, but they were so horribly mean to her that she called for us to come pick her up. Unfortunately, we couldn't, since that was the night there were 63 tornadoes in our county...driving wasn't such a good idea. We tried, and got stuck in a funnel, which was SO COOL, and we thought we were going to die, and when we were out we decided that wasn't a good night for driving, so Kwiddens was stuck there. I'll write more about being inside a tornado some other time.

The whole experience shook her so much that calling it "Doobie" was now out of the question, since of course the word is drug-related. We decided to call it "Newb" instead, because Dan was always saying "Look at those newbs!"...I think that came from some kind of internet slang.

Anyway. So that's how Newb started. Here are some of the grammatical rules:

Firstly, and most importantly, Kristen turnes into Kwiddens, but if you say Kwitten you are using the worst swear word in the language.

When speaking Newb, one adds n's to words that don't actually have n's in them. Examples are "nansty" (nasty) (although this has its own word, which is just nast, used as a noun) and "int" (it), etc. One has to be careful, though, because if you add an n to the word "cut" bad things happen, so that's the exception.

Th's are turned into f's. Examples are "fink" (think), "bafroom" (bathroom) (which is now BF for short) and "birfday" (birthday).

Singular words are pluralized. "I hans to use the bafrooms."

Pronouns and verb tenses are mixed up. Think Gollum + Dobby. We also add in "precious", as a tribute to LotR.

If you're just starting to use Newb, the best thing to do is study Homestar Runner (the guy with the star on his shirt). That's how everything ends up being pronounced. Intonation is the most important part of Newb.

There are a few specific phrases that we use often. One is calling someone "Little Chicken". This is because once, when Kwiddens was working at DQ, she was putting chicken strips into the fryer and she was talking to them, like "It's ok, little chickens, it'll be over soon" and things like that, just to be silly. It totally stuck.

We're sisters, and friends, so we call each other "sista fwend". We also call loved ones "Stupid", "Dummy", "Idiot", etc., and that is like saying "I love you!" in Newb.

There is a little confusion when you pronounce the words cows, cars, and calls. They all sound exactly the same, so you have to use context to figure out what's going on.

South Dakota is "Souf Kadoda".

Anywaaaaaym (anyway)...

The most amazing thing is, once Kwiddens and I started using Newb on a regular basis, Mim joined in, and it became something special we three did. It bugged Dad to no end, and that was an added bonus. Mim became Mim when we were watching The Sword In The Stone and decided it would be fun to call her Mim instead of Mom. When Scott and I started seriously dating and he noticed me and Kwiddens talking like this, he joined in, and is now fluent.

Whatchoo fink?

Pretty amusing?

You KNOWIT.