Hells yes.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
I Used To Run All The Time...
This past weekend I went and spent a few days at Mim's. I got some alone time with Em and Jorg, and some time with both of them together, and some time with just Mim, and it's just what I needed most.
Mim and I talk about a lot of things, and most of the times we dig around into our current psychological states, and on occasion we have epiphanies, or else Mim comes up with the most perfect analogies. It's less expensive than therapy, and makes me cry just as much.
So let me tell you what got me crying this weekend:
I was a really freaking brilliant kid. I had quite an ego about it, too, until seventh grade, when one of my classmates told me I was a jerk about it, and I toned it down. A lot. But seriously. I had more potential than anyone else in my classes, and I was going to go somewhere. Somewhere big. All my teachers knew it.
And then shit happened. My whole life I've been dumped on by a long list of bad circumstances. I'm not saying this to get sympathy or anything; I'm just trying to give some background for the analogy Mim came up with.
This weekend I was crying because I felt like I had failed, compared to what I was supposed to accomplish by now. I should have a doctorate degree. I should be doing research and teaching college courses and publishing papers and being generally awesome.
You wanna know something about Bipolar Disorder? I have a genetic predisposition, but if I hadn't been subjected to long periods of intense stress and such, I wouldn't have ever developed the disorder. The sucky thing is, once it develops, you're screwed up for life! Yippee!
So...here I am. I have a good job, I really do. But I do have to admit, it's usually the same thing every day. Unless something breaks, there's no challenge. But the thing is, I don't know if I could handle a more challenging job. And I certainly couldn't handle working many more hours than I do now. And it's all because I'm a total nutter butter.
Anyway, as I was crying at Mim, she reassured me with a little story:
Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to run. She could run almost as soon as she learned to walk. She could run faster than any other kids in her neighborhood.
As she was growing up, she kept running and running, and eventually when she joined the middle school track team, her coaches knew she would be groomed for the Olympics.
The problem was, as she was growing up, she practiced as much as much as she could, but she never seemed to make as much progress as she should have, because she was repeatedly maimed (it doesn't really matter how or by whom at this point) throughout her whole life.
The amazing thing was, even though she never did make it to the Olympics, she was still a star athlete on her college track team, and was a good, strong runner for the rest of her life.
The end.
Mim is good at making up analogies (although this one is a little longer, so does that make it an allegory?).
It made me feel a little bit better. A little.
Still...sometimes I feel like I've disappointed a lot of people, including myself.
The most frustrating thing is that lately, I feel like I can't think. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around things like easy math, or I'm having to re-read a paragraph when I reach the end and realize I have no idea what I just read. My brain feels fuzzy. It's a side-effect of the antipsychotics. It's been coming on very, very gradually.
My psychiatrist left the clinic where I saw her, so I need to find a new one. I hate finding a new one. It's like a total crapshoot whether I can find one who is completely understanding and sympathetic to my situation, while simultaneously being a really good doctor and willing to listen to my questions and suggestions. Once I find a new one, maybe I'll discuss trying a different antipsychotic. The problem is, the last time I tried a different one I felt like I was on meth for a week...
Anyway. That's what's bouncing around in my head today.
Mim and I talk about a lot of things, and most of the times we dig around into our current psychological states, and on occasion we have epiphanies, or else Mim comes up with the most perfect analogies. It's less expensive than therapy, and makes me cry just as much.
So let me tell you what got me crying this weekend:
I was a really freaking brilliant kid. I had quite an ego about it, too, until seventh grade, when one of my classmates told me I was a jerk about it, and I toned it down. A lot. But seriously. I had more potential than anyone else in my classes, and I was going to go somewhere. Somewhere big. All my teachers knew it.
And then shit happened. My whole life I've been dumped on by a long list of bad circumstances. I'm not saying this to get sympathy or anything; I'm just trying to give some background for the analogy Mim came up with.
This weekend I was crying because I felt like I had failed, compared to what I was supposed to accomplish by now. I should have a doctorate degree. I should be doing research and teaching college courses and publishing papers and being generally awesome.
You wanna know something about Bipolar Disorder? I have a genetic predisposition, but if I hadn't been subjected to long periods of intense stress and such, I wouldn't have ever developed the disorder. The sucky thing is, once it develops, you're screwed up for life! Yippee!
So...here I am. I have a good job, I really do. But I do have to admit, it's usually the same thing every day. Unless something breaks, there's no challenge. But the thing is, I don't know if I could handle a more challenging job. And I certainly couldn't handle working many more hours than I do now. And it's all because I'm a total nutter butter.
Anyway, as I was crying at Mim, she reassured me with a little story:
Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to run. She could run almost as soon as she learned to walk. She could run faster than any other kids in her neighborhood.
As she was growing up, she kept running and running, and eventually when she joined the middle school track team, her coaches knew she would be groomed for the Olympics.
The problem was, as she was growing up, she practiced as much as much as she could, but she never seemed to make as much progress as she should have, because she was repeatedly maimed (it doesn't really matter how or by whom at this point) throughout her whole life.
The amazing thing was, even though she never did make it to the Olympics, she was still a star athlete on her college track team, and was a good, strong runner for the rest of her life.
The end.
Mim is good at making up analogies (although this one is a little longer, so does that make it an allegory?).
It made me feel a little bit better. A little.
Still...sometimes I feel like I've disappointed a lot of people, including myself.
The most frustrating thing is that lately, I feel like I can't think. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around things like easy math, or I'm having to re-read a paragraph when I reach the end and realize I have no idea what I just read. My brain feels fuzzy. It's a side-effect of the antipsychotics. It's been coming on very, very gradually.
My psychiatrist left the clinic where I saw her, so I need to find a new one. I hate finding a new one. It's like a total crapshoot whether I can find one who is completely understanding and sympathetic to my situation, while simultaneously being a really good doctor and willing to listen to my questions and suggestions. Once I find a new one, maybe I'll discuss trying a different antipsychotic. The problem is, the last time I tried a different one I felt like I was on meth for a week...
Anyway. That's what's bouncing around in my head today.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Nyah's 1!
I can't believe it's been a year today since our pretty baby Nyah was born!
You'll have to forgive me; these pictures turned out grainy for who knows what reason.
Here's the beautiful birthday girl, wearing her crown, and her gorgeous mama:
Nyah got her very own carrot cake cupcake, which she enjoyed thoroughly (this baby loves vegetables!):
By the end, there was frosting all over her, and they had to change her into a completely new outfit (that I got her, yellow with a giant butterfly, and I forgot pictures, FAIL).
Anyway, we just had a little family party this past Saturday, and Mim brought her yummy marshmallow fruit salad, but added strawberries this time, which was AMAZING.
Bonus:
A picture of beautiful bebby in her little pool with her toys!
Also, I have an adorable video of her crawling around really funny, but she's nakie, so I'm not posting it here. Gotta protect her from the pervs! Message me your phone number on FB and I'll message it to you, if you want to see it :)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Show Me Your Teeth!
Em Beanie recently had her wisdom teeth removed, and Mim sent me a picture of her with the laughing gas on, and it looked so much like a face hugger from Aliens, so I thought I'd share and see if you all agree:
Once she started getting loopy, Mim said she started speaking in Japanese.
Also, every time I hear that song by Lady Gaga, "Show Me Your Teeth", I get it stuck in my head for at least two days.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Too Bad I'm So Pale
I have no idea why I felt like sharing this, but I found it interesting.
I'm part Native American. No, really! I have some Cherokee and some Choctaw.
Anyway, Kwiddens called me a little while ago and asked me how the back of my two front teeth were shaped. I thought it an odd question...but I answered. They're thin at the bottom, then they widen very quickly, like there's an extra shelf back there. I hadn't known this, but apparently that's a genetic trait known only to Native Americans and a very small number of Asians.
I was curious, so I looked around online and found a few sites that describe some other genetic traits that I have:
The "shovel teeth", of course
High cheekbones
Crooked fingers, particularly the pinky
Little toes that lie under the next one
A second toe that's longer than the big toe (but only very slightly in my case)
Larger gap between the big toe and the second toe
An extra ridge of bone along the outside of the foot (Mim had to have parts of this removed, as it was causing problems for her)
Thyroid problems (mine is low-functioning)
The ability to tan deeply (but I never go in the sun anymore, so this hasn't happened since about...8th grade or so)
I also have a very square jaw and very thick, very straight hair.
I mostly look white, so I don't bother telling people unless they specifically ask, because I don't really look much like it. But now you know something interesting about me.
(The rest of me is almost entirely Danish. Perhaps this explains my love for pastries.)
I'm part Native American. No, really! I have some Cherokee and some Choctaw.
Anyway, Kwiddens called me a little while ago and asked me how the back of my two front teeth were shaped. I thought it an odd question...but I answered. They're thin at the bottom, then they widen very quickly, like there's an extra shelf back there. I hadn't known this, but apparently that's a genetic trait known only to Native Americans and a very small number of Asians.
I was curious, so I looked around online and found a few sites that describe some other genetic traits that I have:
The "shovel teeth", of course
High cheekbones
Crooked fingers, particularly the pinky
Little toes that lie under the next one
A second toe that's longer than the big toe (but only very slightly in my case)
Larger gap between the big toe and the second toe
An extra ridge of bone along the outside of the foot (Mim had to have parts of this removed, as it was causing problems for her)
Thyroid problems (mine is low-functioning)
The ability to tan deeply (but I never go in the sun anymore, so this hasn't happened since about...8th grade or so)
I also have a very square jaw and very thick, very straight hair.
I mostly look white, so I don't bother telling people unless they specifically ask, because I don't really look much like it. But now you know something interesting about me.
(The rest of me is almost entirely Danish. Perhaps this explains my love for pastries.)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Round Two...
Sorry for the longish absence. I'm losing blogging steam...
So I dropped Baby Pink Tablet, right? Well, Scott tried to fix it but something shorted out when it fell (we think) so getting the touch screen operational just wasn't going to happen. I stuck it on eBay and got $50 out if it for parts, so it's not a total loss...
Scott got online and pulled up several tablets he thought would be good as a replacement. I wanted another one badly, but I felt so bad about breaking the first one. The thing that came to mind was when we were little and something would get broken or dirty and Mim would say "This is why we can't have nice things!" Did anyone else's parents say that? Talk about a guilt trip.
Anyway, so I was reluctant to invest in another one but Scott convinced me, of course, and helped me choose another one. I could have gotten another of the same one, but Scott said that for just a little bit more money we could get one with a bigger screen and a faster processor. I figured that an 8" screen couldn't be that much bigger than the 7" screen, so went for it.
It came in the mail and I was in the middle of my "everything either makes me cry or pisses me off" phase (which is wearing off quite nicely, FINALLY), so when I started messing around with it and a few things were different, I got frustrated pretty quickly. The biggest thing that was bugging me was the size difference. It's actually quite a bit bigger than the last one and MUCH heavier, and I was not very happy about that. I mean, the old one was about the size and weight of a book, and the e-reader was the biggest reason I wanted it.
I'm getting used to it, though.
Speaking of the e-reader, the old one had one built in that was SO PERFECT. I had assumed this new tablet would have one built in, as well, but it didn't. Oh well. It has the entire Android market, so I hopped on there and started looking for an e-reader I would like. I downloaded like ten, and all of them sucked. Majorly. Finally, I was almost in tears, and I found another one and it seemed almost as perfect as the one I had before, but now that I've used it I think it's even better.
I have like a million books now. Having that many books (and all free!) makes me feel more educated, even though I haven't read them yet. A lot of them are books I've read before but a long time ago, like in high school, and I'd like to refresh my memory. If only I could get the Harry Potter books on there...sigh...
Scott had me download Angry Birds to see what the fuss was all about, and then I never saw the tablet again. The end.
Just kidding. But he has worn the battery down twice playing the game. Good thing I still have my laptop, so I'm not completely disconnected from the outside world...
Anyway, I don't plan on dropping this one. And now that I'm used to it (and not in constant panic mode) I like it very much. It's not pink, but that's okay.
And Scott gets mega brownie points for letting me have another one, even though I'm obviously not good at taking care of my stuff.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Overtime! Can You Even Believe It?
Most of the time the meds keep me pretty stable and happy and such, but on occasion I do still feel the ups and downs. They're dampened, but they're still there.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty energetic, and having a really hard time sleeping at night. Teensy peek of a manic phase.
The past three days or so have been a little rough. I'm feeling down, agitated, irritable, exhausted, and just generally emotional. This week at work has also been INSANE. As in, two of my three machines not working, and the third being out of commission for a whole day because of preventative maintenance, and add in the new guy who is replacing my coworker who is going to grad school (who is really nice, but you know how bad I am with change) (plus I'm really going to miss the guy he's replacing), and add in a giant boatload of samples from both our company and outside clients...it just piled up and I actually worked OVERTIME this week! That NEVER happens!
So I'm in a little teeny depressive phase. It's not that bad. I just feel a little antsy and all these random things that have nothing to do with anything are floating around in my head, and of course, very few of these things even make any sense. And I'm freaking tired. TIRED.
I'm just going to take this three-day weekend and chill, and hopefully by the time I need to get to work Tuesday morning I'm back to normal.
Also, I want my new tablet to come in the mail. I've been in withdrawal.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty energetic, and having a really hard time sleeping at night. Teensy peek of a manic phase.
The past three days or so have been a little rough. I'm feeling down, agitated, irritable, exhausted, and just generally emotional. This week at work has also been INSANE. As in, two of my three machines not working, and the third being out of commission for a whole day because of preventative maintenance, and add in the new guy who is replacing my coworker who is going to grad school (who is really nice, but you know how bad I am with change) (plus I'm really going to miss the guy he's replacing), and add in a giant boatload of samples from both our company and outside clients...it just piled up and I actually worked OVERTIME this week! That NEVER happens!
So I'm in a little teeny depressive phase. It's not that bad. I just feel a little antsy and all these random things that have nothing to do with anything are floating around in my head, and of course, very few of these things even make any sense. And I'm freaking tired. TIRED.
I'm just going to take this three-day weekend and chill, and hopefully by the time I need to get to work Tuesday morning I'm back to normal.
Also, I want my new tablet to come in the mail. I've been in withdrawal.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
5,000 Questions: Part 3
New rules: if I think the question is dumb, I'll skip it. That's why there are numbers missing.
41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly! I HATE being on open water.
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
Refraction!
43. What does your name mean?
Grace, which is hilarious given how clumsy I actually am.
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
How about my living room?
46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
I'm cool with all zombies.
47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
Mike Rowe, maybe?
48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Not really a movie, but I could watch Stargate every day. There are 17 seasons now, so it lasts me a while. It makes for good knitting TV!
49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
Yarn. The first thing I thought when I read this question, though, was "What if I have to use the bathroom?!"
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Some doctors saved my life once when I was little and got really freaking sick and was in the hospital for a week.
52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
I'm working on a baby blanket right now, just in case.
53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Legos!
54. How many TV’s are in your house?
Two: one in the living room and one in front of the treadmill.
55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
Turning around and walking back inside. Sad, I know.
56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
What does it mean?! Ok, really I don't care.
57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
No, my dreams are all usually too psychotic to ever be real. Such as my dreams about dinosaurs. Especially zombie dinosaurs.
58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Yes...don't tell Scott, but I went to one last week. Oh wait, Scott reads this. Hey Scott, I went to a psychic last week!
59. What is your idea of paradise?
I don't believe in paradise. I believe in weekends that involve yarn, good food, and extra snuggle time with Buster and Scott.
60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
Sometimes I believe in a god and sometimes I just believe in science. When I do believe, he or she seems to be either slightly benevolent or disinterested.
41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly! I HATE being on open water.
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
Refraction!
43. What does your name mean?
Grace, which is hilarious given how clumsy I actually am.
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
How about my living room?
46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
I'm cool with all zombies.
47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
Mike Rowe, maybe?
48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Not really a movie, but I could watch Stargate every day. There are 17 seasons now, so it lasts me a while. It makes for good knitting TV!
49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
Yarn. The first thing I thought when I read this question, though, was "What if I have to use the bathroom?!"
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Some doctors saved my life once when I was little and got really freaking sick and was in the hospital for a week.
52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
I'm working on a baby blanket right now, just in case.
53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Legos!
54. How many TV’s are in your house?
Two: one in the living room and one in front of the treadmill.
55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
Turning around and walking back inside. Sad, I know.
56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
What does it mean?! Ok, really I don't care.
57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
No, my dreams are all usually too psychotic to ever be real. Such as my dreams about dinosaurs. Especially zombie dinosaurs.
58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Yes...don't tell Scott, but I went to one last week. Oh wait, Scott reads this. Hey Scott, I went to a psychic last week!
59. What is your idea of paradise?
I don't believe in paradise. I believe in weekends that involve yarn, good food, and extra snuggle time with Buster and Scott.
60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
Sometimes I believe in a god and sometimes I just believe in science. When I do believe, he or she seems to be either slightly benevolent or disinterested.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Uggggggggh.
Once upon a time there was a woman named Anna. Anna was a very careful person who took very good care of her things. Unfortunately, she was a bit of an idiot, and dropped her new Android tablet on the floor, where is broke into several pieces.
Noble Scott tried to fix it, but in vain.
Anna felt like a moron.
Sweet Scott went online and found another, better tablet, and called his brother, who lives in Hong Kong, to see if he could get us a good deal on it (he works with the company that makes it) and we'll see what happens.
I'm so freaking mad at myself.
Noble Scott tried to fix it, but in vain.
Anna felt like a moron.
Sweet Scott went online and found another, better tablet, and called his brother, who lives in Hong Kong, to see if he could get us a good deal on it (he works with the company that makes it) and we'll see what happens.
I'm so freaking mad at myself.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
No Judgement Here!
This is almost exactly my experience with leaving organized religion.
It was never about judgement, or not being able to be "righteous" enough, or anything like that. It was all about my feelings toward what I was taught as I grew up. It was about finding what would make me feel at peace with myself.
Just some food for thought...
It was never about judgement, or not being able to be "righteous" enough, or anything like that. It was all about my feelings toward what I was taught as I grew up. It was about finding what would make me feel at peace with myself.
Just some food for thought...
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